I Went For a Walk

I often swim through the many weight loss blogs. Some that I am followers of and some that they follow. I love reading the daily adventures, the funny musings and the painful connections we all go through. Today as I was reading through Lynn's Weigh, The Journey Continues Blog (http://lynnsweigh.blogspot.com/) it reminded me that little by little is a good thing. And that meant that little by little I needed to start exercising which is one of the reasons I am so grateful for these smart bloggers. I got off the couch, put my exercise clothes and walked for an hour. It was just a walk, nothing big but something so little by little I can be grateful for.

What If I Can

I have for several months wanted to get my real estate license but I couldn't afford the schooling. Through a couple of temporary jobs I was able to buy the tuition and books to the correspondence course that I am needing. I am thrilled that I have been able to do that because just getting that was a huge deal! But now the books have come and my log-in is sitting in my e-mail inbox and now I'm scared. They came yesterday and I did have a busy day so I wasn't able to put my full attention to get it started but there is a wall that's blocking me from starting.

My heart races a little more when I think about it. I feel this is my dream and my reality crashing together like waves on the shore. What if I can't do it? What if I don't pass the exams? What if it's too hard? All of my past failed tests are dancing around in my head laughing at me.

Okay, just breath. When I thought, "What if I can't", the thought popped out, "WHAT IF I CAN!" All righty, I'm going to get dressed and start this!

I Had to Come Back

I just posted but I can't stop thinking about my folks. My dad will be getting gastric bypass surgery in a couple of weeks. I am so SAD about it! I mean it's my dad, my daddy, my father and I'm scared for him. My dad is 64 years old but looks and acts like he's in his 80's. He can't walk far because his body hasn't been used properly in years. His legs and back are almost always in pain. He has sleep apnea and non-insulin diabetes. He has 80 lbs. to lose. I'm very surprised that he was approved for the surgery since I had thought you needed to be 100 lbs overweight to be considered. He was planning on going in for lap band surgery but his doctor told him for his age that getting gastric bypass is a much safer procedure for him. My parents live in Germany and he will be getting the surgery from one of the American hospitals there. My mom is a civilian working for the U.S. Army which is why they live in Germany.

I sent him a card I made saying that I support him in whatever choice he chooses and that I believe in him. I don't want him to think I'm negative about this because I know he's put a lot of thought into this and as his daughter I need to support him....even if it is something I wouldn't do. I'm just praying it goes well and he and my mom can learn to change their behavior. 64 years old seems so young. He could easily live for 20 more years. I've been yapping about Weight Watchers for years but clearly it isn't for him or he would of done it.

I feel like the cliche, "move it or lose it!" applies to my dad. I never want to have Gastric or Lap Band. I want to be in control of my body and my decisions. I guess that is why I joined Weight Watchers again today. I needed to move it or lose it so one step at a time. Please think healthy and safe thoughts for my dad! I love him!

256.4

"Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness", said with shock and disappointment! I started Weight Watchers today and I could NOT believe what I saw. The WW receptionist still had my weigh-in booklet and I could read it upside down that it read, "256.4lbs". I thought, "NO WAY, I'm misreading it." Oh my goodness, I so wasn't. That is my highest weight ever.

I was on Weight Watchers before several years ago. I had gained 50 lbs, besides the many other side affects when I was on the birth control Depo Provera. I lost it slowly with WW. At the end of 2008, beginning of 2009 I gained 40 lbs with another birth control called Yaz to help me with my Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). I should have known better than to be on any kind of birth control. I know those hormones throw me out of whack! Well, I gained that 40 lbs plus another 20 from being depressed about being unemployed and being in a new city. I can't believe I weigh 256lbs.

When Is It Going To END?

I'm watching the tv show, The Biggest Loser. A fat person's Kryptonite! They are showing the final four going home. I had to stop the show because of the tears in my eyes. I'm watching Mike, Daris, Koli and Ashley come home and see the pride their families and friends have for them and the joyfulness the contestants are exuding. I just ate 8 crescent rolls and drank 3 glasses of wine. Really!?!? When am I going to stop this roller coaster of insanity? Only I can make the choice to change to stop feeling embarrassed, ashamed and out of place.

A Big Girl

I have always been the overweight girl, the fat girl, the one with the pretty face, the thick girl, the big girl. My height peeked in 5th grade to a tall 5'6 and then it stopped. I remember being in a gymnastics class when I was 11 years old and my teachers calling me the big girl. They were teaching us handstands to fall back on our feet so that we looked like upside down turtles. I remember I could never get my feet quite under me and I would fall !SPLAT! on my back which would make a loud noise in the gym, as well as knocking the breath out of me. I would walk to the end of the line feeling embarrassed of the loud noise my body would make in falling on the mat and feeling very unlike the other 10-11 year old girls. I was probably 140 lbs.

I went to a Catholic school grade school and remember tugging at my green uniform jumper over my big belly and then when I passed to 7th and 8th grade our uniform changed since we were the older girls. Our uniforms changed to a green skirt with a white button up shirt. My shirt never lay flat over my body like my other classmates, it curved to the weight of my growing breasts and thick waist and belly. Since I felt uncomfortable with how I looked and how I was perceived by others, I read a lot. It was my saving grace to duck into a book and not think about the life I was living or rather not living.

For high school, I was sent to an all girls Catholic high school which didn't really help my social skills. I went more inward and thought less and less about living. I was really struggling during this time. Looking back on the pictures I am surprised how I don't look so different than the other girls. I was heavier but only by about 20 lbs. It's interesting to me that those 20 lbs felt like the Grand Canyon for me. I was probably 170 lbs.

I was able to talk my parents into letting me switch to a public school and I started my first ever public school my second semester Sophomore year. Since I had been wearing uniforms my entire life and not really living a whole lot outside my house I didn't have school clothes. My first semester there I wore lots of sweats. Sweats that were lime green and orange sherbet...clothes should never be made of these colors. Thankfully, I kind of figured things out and the start of my Junior year I was a little more prepared. My mom has never been able to help me with clothes, make-up or dressing like a girl because she has had her own weight issues and I believe, didn't know how to help me.

Things brightened up for me in my Junior and Senior year. I gained a best friend which I still have today. Since I had been going to private schools my whole life I realized very quickly that I was better behaved and much more prepared for class work which helped to ease off any pressure that I had been feeling of not being able to keep up in school. I was able to meet friends and participate in extracurricular activities that I never could at my previous school such as swimming, field hockey, Powder Puff, and singing with the Madrigals choir. I worked at Little Caesar's Pizza those two years with my best friend and our boyfriends. It was a fun and easy time. I graduated high school and I probably weighed 180 lbs.

A Step Backwards

I took a step backwards last night. I had gotten home from work and had a fairly healthy supper and then BAM! I thought to myself, "wine would make my night so much better." So I went and instead of buying a normal sized bottle. You know the normal size that healthy people buy? No, I bought the next size up! PLUS Twizzlers licorice, chocolate covered raisins and a small Skinny Cow ice cream. I was pleased that I chose the small Skinny Cow instead of the Ben and Jerry's pint but STILL. And since most of what I ate yesterday was vegan, I was sloshed fairly quickly. I didn't drink the whole bottle but uggers, what was the point of buying such a big bottle? What, just in case I might want to drink 1.5 Liters? Geeza! Yep, my night consisted of inhaling sugar and reruns of the tv show, Drop Dead Diva on www.Hulu.com. How pathetic is that?

How I Came to Austin-

I have been in Austin for one year. I came because I was relocated to work here. I was really excited. It seemed like my grown up life was really beginning. I was moving to where I didn't know anyone so it seemed to be a perfect place for a fresh start. One of the reasons I moved besides work was because I love my family so much that I never really wanted to go out and meet people. I had some friends but I rarely dated. I realized that I needed to go and make my own family and in a new city it seemed so possible. Hopefully, that makes sense.

Austin is a terrific place to do that because everyone is from everywhere else so there is a fresh, newbie feel with a great energy in the city. Unfortunately, 3 months after working without so much as a bad word against me or my work ethic, they let me go. I went through lots of emotions of shame, humiliation, embarrassment and sadness. I definitely did not feel inspired to eat less and move move. I crawled into my apartment and rarely left.

I came up with the idea to volunteer at a dance studio and in return take dance lessons. I volunteered there for 4 months and then I became a paid employee. I felt really proud that they wanted me to work there and that they wanted to pay me for my time. My previous employers really did a doozy on my self esteem and what I felt my worth was.

Alone in the Dance Studio

I'm sitting in an empty dance studio. The walls that separate the studio are down because there is an event tonight so that means all the white lights are twinkling and the dance floor is a wide, open space. To me a dance studio is a magical place. Clean wooden floors that people can slide across the floor with mirrors to watch their perfect posture. I watch many people learn to dance from the newbies who get really nervous and you swear they're going to lose it to the professionals arching their necks as far as they can to elongate their bodies. Foxtrot, Rumba, Salsa to Argentine Tango classes and so many more. I love it! I love hearing the music even when it's just me alone in the studio. When I'm waiting for classes to begin I'll put on some Waltz or Foxtrot music and listen to the deep voices slowly pour out like honey. Sometimes when I'm walking through the different classrooms and I can hear music playing from another class, I'll dance in front of the mirror or spin really, really fast because I'm by myself and no one can see me.

I'm just the receptionist.

I love to dance but not now. Now with 100 lbs extra on my 5'6 frame I'm the one dancing only when no one is looking.