PMDD Cont'd or I Miss Phen-Fen!

My PMDD always begins with trouble sleeping for the first two nights. The first night into it I have odd fantasies/dreams. The second and third day I'm craving food, any kind with a heap of sugar. During these days the worst symptom of them all comes out...suicidal thoughts. Most months I'm able to recognize what it is...a symptom and toss it away. This past week my worries and concern of what is going on now in my life which I believe further stepped me closer to these harmful thoughts had me considering the poor idea. I struggled with separating that it's a PMDD symptom and what I really feel. It gets nerve-wracking when I'm thinking I should clean my apartment extra good just in case....ya know. It's a terrible thought and an even more terrible way of life.



Years ago I got the book When Your Body Gets The Blues by Dr. Marie-Annette Brown and Jo Robinson. It stresses getting enough light, getting some walking in and a vitamin cocktail of B1, B2, B6, D, Folic Acid, and Selenium. They did studies using this combination and found that it helped women going through what I go through. I follow this but sometimes it doesn't work for me. I think the extra weight digs a deeper hole in PMDD symptoms for me.

A couple days ago of desperation I read everything I could on the internet about serotonin. When I was on Phen-Fen (now that could be a whole other post!) I felt WONDERFUL!! Sure I lost weight but it was just grand that I didn't think about food every blessed second, slept great, and felt like I knew I always should have felt. When they found that Phen-Fen was causing holes in people's hearts, they took it away. I was so sad and miserable! So I've been looking for a shot of serotonin ever since. I bought the OTC vitamin 5-HTP a couple days ago and so far I'm feeling less foggy, more relaxed and calm, AND not thinking I need to eat or forage for food. It isn't as strong as Phen-Fen was when just looking at food made me feel full. With 5-HTP I have to make the choice of whether I should eat but I'm been grateful my head is allowing me to ask the question instead of 'no thoughts, just open mouth and insert any food that's near.' Now it's only been a couple of days so I cannot make a complete decision on whether this will work but I'm going to keep taking it and jot notes down to see how I do.

This makes me so sad!
"The incidence of suicide in women with depression is significantly higher during the latter half of the menstrual cycle."

PMDD

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a condition marked by severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation.

Five or more of the following symptoms must be present:
In BOLD are the symptoms that I get-

1. Disinterest in daily activities and relationships
2. Fatigue or low energy
3. Feeling of sadness or hopelessness, possible suicidal thoughts
4. Feelings of tension or anxiety
5. Feeling out of control
6. Food cravings or binge eating
7. Mood swings marked by periods of teariness
8. Panic attack
9. Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people
10.Trouble concentrating
11. Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain
12. Sleep disturbances

Treatment-
Women with PMDD may be helped by the following:
1. A balanced diet (with increased whole grains, vegetables, fruit, and decreased or no salt, sugar, alcohol, and caffeine)
2. Adequate rest
3. Regular exercise 3-5 times per week
In addition, it is important to keep a diary or calendar to record the type, severity, and duration of symptoms.

Selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are antidepressant drugs that can treat PMDD. SSRIs include fluoxetine (Prozac, Sarafem), sertraline (Zoloft), paroxetine (Paxil), fluvoxamine (Luvox), citalopram (Celexa), and escitalopram (Lexapro).

Nutritional supplements -- such as vitamin B6, calcium, and magnesium -- may be recommended. Pain relievers such as aspirin or ibuprofen may be prescribed for headache, backache, menstrual cramping and breast tenderness. Diuretics may be useful for women who have significant weight gain due to fluid retention.

Complications
PMDD symptoms may become severe enough that they interfere with a woman's daily life. Women with depression may have worse symptoms during the second half of their cycle and may require medication adjustments.

As many as 10% of women who report PMS symptoms, particularly those with PMDD, have had suicidal thoughts. The incidence of suicide in women with depression is significantly higher during the latter half of the menstrual cycle.

PMDD may be associated with eating disorders and smoking.

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I added the PMDD Google Health discussion to get an understanding of what it is. For me, I HATE IT! It changes my life every month. Unfortunately, I get my period every 22 days so one week I'm off, one week PMS/PMDD and one week TOM and then it begins again. Some months are better than others and some get me really into the pits. This past week was the pits. I didn't really want to blog about it because any time people use the words suicide and depression, some people get a little judgy.

This complicates my goals of losing weight. It always has! I have lost 55 lbs in the past with Weight Watchers but it took an awfully long time which I chalk up to 2 steps forward, 1 step back. The reason I'm losing the same 50 lbs again is due to PMDD. My doctor put me on the birth control Yas that was supposed to help with my PMDD symptoms. It kinda did but then it helped me gain almost 40 lbs. (The last time I gained 55 lbs was due to the birth control Depo-Provera.) That isn't the kinda help I want nor need! Blah! I continued carrying 'the gaining weight torch' since now I was fat, new to Austin and had a new job, then lost my new job and was depressed about not knowing anyone as well as the things I already mentioned. I'll write more about this another time.

I know getting out into the sunlight, exercise, and vitamins is a big deal to help me feel better and I do them but sometimes it doesn't make me feel better. It makes me proud of myself that I am doing good things for my body. However, it also hurts that even though I'm doing good things for my body, my body isn't receiving those things and fixing itself.

My Dad's Letter

My dad sent this letter on Sunday. He seems to be doing really well. I'm happy he is safe and praying that this will work out for him like he hoped. He has/had about 80 lbs to lose which isn't a TON but he has several medical issues which they are hoping this choice to do this will cure or help alleviate them. This definitely wouldn't be my choice which is why you read about my life chugging and lugging over this journey. I thought it would be a neat ending to the blog posts about my dad.


" I just got out of the hospital today. As you may have known I went the hospital in Frankfurt on Monday and had my Roux-en-y (RNY) gastric bypass the next morning. The surgery consisted of cutting the top portion of my stomach, approximately 10% or in my case 15 ml, and connecting it to the middle of the small intestine. The remaining part of the stomach is sewn shut where the cut was made as that is needed to still produce the gastric acid for digestion. Last Saturday, I did a colon cleanse as the Frankfurt hospital told me I had to have my colon cleansed. That was fun and if you ever had that done you know what I mean. When I got to the Frankfurt hospital they did an upper GI endoscopy, i.e, put a scope down my throat to see if my stomach was okay. I still have a small sore throat form it. They then informed me that I needed a colon cleanse. I told them I already had one. They said I still needed theirs. I don't think they believed me. Having two in three days is so much fun. :(

The first 48 hours after surgery I could have nothing to drink or eat. They only gave me a small cup of water and very large q-tips to drunk into the water to wet my mouth. Thursday, they finally gave me clear broth for each of my meals, with a half a glass of water in between the meals. Friday, got more clear broth and in the evening was given cream soup. Saturday, I got cream soup and a liquid pudding for all three meals and the same went for Sunday when I was discharged just after lunch. I was surprised in that I was not hungry at all and felt really full when they gave me the cream soup and liquid pudding. In fact, I had difficulty finishing it. I still feel like someone punched me in the stomach after the surgery and have some discomfort but it is not that bad.

However, I'm down 22 pounds the first week (started at 260 and am now 238). Mother says a good portion of my gut has disappeared. I know the weight loss won't continue at this rate but I hope to keep to the program. I only get liquid food for the next two weeks and then gradually change over to more and more solid food. The doctor put my goal weight at 160 which is going to be a challenge but I think I'm up to it or at least I'll give it my best shot. They say eating is one of the hardest habits to break. Driving home form the hospital and driving past the bakery and even more gyros shops, I said okay no more of those. The gyros I probably could have in the future but instead of it being a meal it will be more like four meals for me. "

Men In Uniform

I want to add something to my Why I Want to Lose Weight list...

...so I can look cute for police officers who pull me over. Grin!

I was pulled over yesterday and he was a cutie-patootie.

I'm not in the flirting mood quite yet but when I will be, watch out Men In Uniform!

Keep Calm and Carry On

I had a breakthrough last night. We had the Showcase last night and it went terrific! The food was yummy and so was the flowing wine! (I worked 15 hours yesterday and was really tired with achey feet by the end of it.) When I'm in situations like that since I'm still new on my weight loss journey it stress me out mentally because it's food I don't normally eat nor buy and I didn't make it. Yesterday I didn't have the time to track my points because of so much to do. I was literally running around the studio bringing food up, carrying trays back, throwing trash away and cleaning when I could. I did dance a couple times which also stresses me out. This cute boy asked me to dance and we attempted to rumba. Since I haven't touched a boy in ages it made me all giddy which I kept having a stern talkin' to in my head of "knock it off, it's just a dance!"

Anyway onto the breakthrough...


Since I've been excited about losing weight sometimes I get frustrated that I'm not already skinny and through that frustration makes me feel less likely to work so hard since the weight is taking it's sweet time to drop off. As I was just nodding off to sleep last night it came to me (which is so silly and I'm sure you're never going to come back to this blog because of it's silliness) that if I don't lose quickly it's all right. If I keep working the program then the weight is still going to come off so my plan IS working!

Sometimes I need to reassure myself and keep calm and carry on.

A Promise For Today!

I've eaten 6 mini-sized chocolates and I know that I am eating my feelings down right now. I'm at work so I cannot cry, stomp or yelp but NO more will I eat another chocolate. This is my promise to you.



I thought about posting pictures of chocolates and stabbing them or something funny like that but really this is about I'm worth more than the damn chocolates! I want FREEDOM!

Wobbly Parts

Tomorrow the dance studio where I work is holding their Showcase. It's a fancy-schmancy affair where professional instructors dance with their students and neat dance teams perform. I've been very excited about watching it and being apart of it.

BUT....

...remember I said it was a fancy affair. We're supposed to dress up and I've been planning how I'm going to look with my make-up and if I was going to curl or straighten my hair but I never thought about my dress. So 5 minutes ago (because it doesn't take long to figure out what I can and cannot fit into) I figured out the only 2 dresses I fit in, I look jiggly in. My butt and thighs wobble through the dresses. Not like a dainty English wobble to and fro but a "hold onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen!" wobble and now I'm sad. I'm thinking maybe I should just wear my black capris and dress up around it. I want to be comfortable but cute and I'm going to be working through this affair.



It's frustrating because I see in my mind what my body should look like and then it's a surprise when my body is still fat and dumpy.

Checking In With My Dad~

My dad went in for gastric bypass surgery on Tuesday. My mom said he was excited and ready to get started in hopes of feeling better. She was told that after the endoscopy, he would be sedated so she should go home. My parents live in Germany.

She went outside and discovered that his car had a flat tire. Back and forth with the German version of AAA, she was finally (about 3 hours later!) able to get the spare tire on (but since it looked and acted like a tire from a clown car they advised her to not go faster than 50 miles/hour - not very safe on the autobahn!).

She got home and called around, the one shop that can do the work will have to order the tire and it will be in by Fri/Sat. So she got in her car to go to another shop, only to discover that her car had a flat! Geez...long story, long, the one shop can get her tire fixed tomorrow so she didn't have a car to go back and be with my dad.

Following his surgery today, which the Drs said went "zuper!" he will stay in ICU for 24 hours and they will have him up and walking around tomorrow. My mom was able to talk to him and he said he felt a little "rough" ... and uncomfortable, if he moved a certain way but otherwise, ok.

She heard that they are planning to now keep him until Sunday (instead of the Friday release).

As a side note, my mom sat next to a man in the lobby that was the same general stature of Dad and he asked about dad getting the surgery. He shared that he had the same procedure, lost 70lbs (about what my dad needs to) and is so grateful he did it...said it was the best thing he ever did and to tell my dad that he will be feeling so much better (even after just a few weeks!). Good news :)

Afterwards, they are trying to keep him still but he is starting to do laps on the floor. The only issue is that he is off of his meds and cannot drink anything for 48 hrs. They have a cotton ball with some drops of water that he can put in his mouth to moisten - yuck!

His blood pressure is 177/92 so they are concerned but have given him some spray thing to bring it down. My mom goes back today but they will be keeping him until Sunday. It was 4 hours round-trip for her after work last night, so she's exhausted. My guess is that he's pretty content to sit and watch FIFA and be on a morphine drip!

All week long I've been stressed and worried about him. My parents are a lesson to me of what will not become of my life.

247 lbs

I only lost .6 lbs last week. I'm disappointed but I know why I lost so little. My little sister came into town for 1 day and we went to supper at the Texas Land & Cattle. It was yummy but crazy in the amounts of points. I need a buffer so knowing that by the second day all my flexible points are gone gets my head in a tizzy. I then brought a bunch of leftover steak home. Yummy yes! But since I didn't make it, I don't know exactly what's in it and the exact points.

Also, I'm blaming my TOM because I was definitely holding onto my sanity with white knuckles last week. I'm glad I lost only that because if I lost more I would think I could be easy peasy with my eating all the time and lose weight and that just isn't the case.

I am making good choices by going walking now. I've gone 4 times this week. Go Me!

Going Out?

Today I went to an Austin local 'fast food' joint. It's called Terra Burger. (www.terraburgeraustin.com) Everything is organic. I realize there is a much bigger argument raging today that just because we're eating organic does not mean it's good for the environment and therefore us in the process. (The other side is locally grown organic is what we need to eat, not organic produce trucked in from overseas or other states) I thought it was neat because it gives an option from a yucky lardfest, corrupt money hungry at all cost including our children, sugar-high fast food place.

I had a vegan burger which was 7 points with vegan mayo which was 1 point. It was all right-not terrific. I think there buns are too big and not yummy enough. I had a turkey burger there last week which was 12 points and was soooo mad at myself because when I compared it to the beef burger it was the same amount of points and I could of had that! They offer sweet potato fries (regular=6 points)which I think is a neat change from the same ol' french fries but were soggy and not crispy when I got home. I also had a diet lime cola which was made from stevia. A little sweet for me but not bad every now and then. I also had organic mint chip ice cream for dessert which was nice and was 5 points. This won't be a place I go too often since it's pricey. What I think was the best about them was right at the drive through speaker I asked about their nutritional info and she walked me through everything I was buying. I wish all restaurants were like that!!!

Any suggestions on delicious different foods that you get when you're out (from anywhere!)? If you can attempt to throw in the calories, fat and fiber...even ballpark it. That'd be great!

Vegan burger-345 cal/13 fat/7 fiber
Vegan mayo-35 cal/3.5 fat/ 2 fiber
Sweet Potato fries, reg size-210 cal/ 10 fat/ 3 fiber
Mint chip ice cream, reg size-225 cal/14 fat/1 fiber

Cake Mines

So after the mess I got myself in yesterday I remembered on my drive to work that the next time I eat is when I can start over and make a good choice. That's why I like Weight Watchers. No food is 'bad' nor 'good' and the next time I make a healthy choice for me then I'm back on track. So I went to Subway before work and got an only veggie footlong on 9 Grain Wheat bread, Southwestern Ranch Baked Lays (which are new to me) and a diet coke. I'm saving the other half of the footlong for later. So when I got into work this is what was staring back at me....



The cakes are from a birthday party last night. My boss said to put it out on the table to get dance students to eat it so she doesn't have to bring it home and eat it all. But I have to sit across from it all day. Could this constitute harrassment at work? Cake harrassment. If you read my post from last night than you get that I've been hanging by a thread during my PMS/TOM. I already feel like I'm a sniper steathily walking around land mines now I have a cake mine thrown right in front of me by the enemy and I'm trying to dig my foxhole as quickly as possible. This blog is a huge part of that foxhole so thanks!

A Cow Covered in Chocolate or otherwise titled How PMS Sucks

Today is the day my TOM came. I was expecting it so no surprise there but what I wasn't expecting was the wave of feeling uncontrollable and wanting to eat you. The funny thing is this is what my period is like every month. I get it every 22 days. So one week I'm on, one week I'm off and one week it's coming. However, the crashing of symptoms after symptoms is a shock. How ridiculous is that? I'm a smart girl or I think I am but these symptoms catch me like a cheetah catches a jogger.



So onto the forgiveness of myself part of the blog by laying it all out there:
I was so OFF points like Obama not telling us his plan for what really was going to happen during his presidency. (don't hate, I voted for Obama AND for Bush...what's that tell ya? see below for answer)

Before work: 1 C almond milk
Breakfast: 8 individual chocolates, diet coke and 2 Ibruprofen. Funny thing I felt sooo much better.
Snacks: Cut up cucumbers and 1 c grapes
lunch: 1 tin of tuna with olive oil, 1/2 C corn, 2 T of vegan mayo
Dinch (after lunch before dinner): 2 1/2 C sauteed veggies such as cabbage, mushrooms, carrot, celery, green onion and mustard green, 4 oz tofu, 1 oz of roasted sunflower seeds
Dinner and throughout the evening: 4 oz steak, 1 C garlic mashed potatoes, lil bit of marinated mushrooms, one bottle of Pinot Grigio, 1 can of biscuits AND 1 pint of ice cream made out of coconut milk.
12 C of water

Whoooo-weeee!!

During work, I announced aloud, "I could eat a cow covered in chocolate" and from looking at my dinner I think I covered that base. I have to go brush my teeth to get the lard taste out.

Answer: A. Accountability is needed. B. Blogs help with accountability. C. Therefore Presidents should be required to blog.

Homesick

I have lived in Austin, TX for a year. I arrived at the end of June 2009 from San Diego. I moved to Austin where I didn't know anyone for a job. I was really excited and proud of myself. I still am proud but probably a little less excited. I'm homesick. One of my sisters and her husband is driving across country because she is starting her internship in VA. (She just graduated from medical school. YAY!) They came and visited yesterday and I hadn't seen any of my family and friends in this past year.


I was so thrilled to hang out with them. I took them to Casa de Luz vegan restaurant for lunch and was disappointed that the ginger sweet potato soup tasted like the sugary fruit loops cereal. Blech! We found them a hotel and then walked at Town Lake in the 100 degree weather with 200% humidity. Sweat-TEE! We explored Lance Armstrong's bike shop Mellow Johnny's and went walking to find the Lance Armstrong Bikeway with artwork along the way. I don't think we found it but we found a little river with turtles. I showed them Barton Springs pool and they were really impressed. It's a huge, HUGE spring-fed pool, 900 feet long and has a natural rock and gravel bottom. We then went to Texas Land and Cattle for supper and I had a terrific rib-eye. Got to love grass fed beef for I can really tell the difference! After supper I showed them my apartment and we looked at a photo album of their wedding that I made. They've been married for a year. We then said goodbye and I teared up a bit.


I woke up sad and cried while I made my meals for the day because I'm working a 12 hour shift today. Then teared up while opening the studio. Then walked into the bathroom where I cried some more. I just miss my family and dang IT, I'm tearing up again. To bring this back to a weight loss blog, I did walk into the studio kitchen and while wiping away tears, I saw our event food of cookies and chex mix and asked myself, "Would eating make you feel better?" in which I replied in my head, "No but I want to crawl into my bed and cry a lot." But I can't so it's back to work with puffy eyes.

247.6

I lost 4.8 lbs the second week. Not bad, not bad!

I would like to thank my big water bottle for allowing me to get in 10 cups of water every single day. I would like to thank Weight Watchers because I followed the program. I was ON POINTS, took my vitamins and ate my filling foods. Thank you to Subway for your Baked Lays and Oven Roasted Chicken Breast sandwich and my most favorite Austin restaurant, Casa de Luz. Casa de Luz, your vegan, organic and local grown foods gave me a party in my stomach for which I am truly thankful! And can't forget all those vegetables for without you fiber rich lil' foods I would have been hungry and cranky!

Why I Am Pencil Skirt Bound?

Pencil skirts to me exude the gamut to feminine grace to a sexy, dramatic statement. When I see pictures of form fitted pencil skirts it seems so sophisticated and stylish and when I'm fat I am the furthest from that! And with MY behind it isn't often I feel I am at either end. I think wearing a pencil skirt and feeling good about it will take work of getting good nutrition, correct portion sizes and working...*grin!*...my behind off. I am taking pictures and they will posted shortly but I've been holding off because I am still nervous. It's weird to throw your goods out on the internet. I see the weight loss bloggers that are posting fat pics left and right of their progress and I DO love it because it gives me inspiration. However, I want to show that I am here to stay instead of a fly by the skirt blogger by posting some before and a bit of some progression. So stay tuned in, Skirts! PICS are coming! What do you like about pencil skirts?

I'm Doing It! Why Aren't YOU?!

I jumped in and thought there shouldn't be any excuse for me NOT to join Big Bottom Blogger's challenge of Race to 10! Check it out. She is a terrific motivation of what can happen when you're ready to lose that weight.

http://bigbottomblogger.blogspot.com/2010/06/face-music-friday-and-race-to-10.html

4 lbs.

I lost 4 lbs this week. I'm a bit stunned because if you read my earlier entries I gave up halfway through and figured I would start again this week. I told the WW lady this and she said, "don't you start again because you had a great weigh-in!" On my own time when I'm not eating out I mostly eat vegan, non-processed foods so I wonder if I made more better decisions than I made icky ones. AND I drank a buncho water! Well, I'm sticking with that. I am not going to get caught up in the easy peasy thought of, "See I don't have to work at losing weight for it's just going fallll off!" **motioning tra la la ballerina arms while saying this**

There is a blog I love called Gettin' Shrunk. http://gottagetshrunk.blogspot.com/ She followed WW exactly and worked out like a demon and lost her weight IN A YEAR! I envy and am proud of that woman with such determination! She reminds me that if I'm going to lose this weight I need to follow the plan and work it by being ON POINTS. So that is a goal of mine too to be on points this week....and always...(you could probably insert the tra la la arms here too but I don't want to push it)

Here's to mustard greens!

My Tummy Has a Tummy

Well here I started Week 1 on Weight Watchers and it's the night before my weigh-in and what I did to myself was ridiculous this past week. I started off great but my work got in the way/weigh. I worked a bunch of hours and it just got me off on the wrong track. Here is how I am going to get myself back onto this train this week. Whoo, whoo!!

1. Fail to plan, then plan to fail
I need to come up with easy, forkless, meals that can be eaten cold that I can bring to my desk when I work my weekend job. It throws me out of the running when I bring some good food but I cannot eat it because I need a microwave and silverware which only just makes me lug it back home again.
Any Suggestions?

2. Quick meals even if they aren't vegan that are frozen.
Are you seeing a pattern? I like meals that don't take much time to make. I'm all about cutting up veggies and I do it a lot. (veggie soup, polenta pie, veggie/tofu spaghetti, apples and almond butter, pear and 1 oz. walnuts) But I'm needing food that I don't have to make that will still be decent for me (not tons of sodium) so that I won't run out and grab some food.

I am a little sick of Subway. I go to it because it's a cheap and easy meal that I can have control over what I am eating. No cheese please! Unfortunately I made another bad choice today by going to....*pause for effect*...the fast food joint, Jack in the Crack. I can't remember the last time I had fast food. I have good food in my fridge and pantry but I didn't want another vegetable load up that I had to make from scratch.