Christmas, RevFit and a Not So Pleasant Surprise!

I lost 11 lbs doing Revelationfit.com WHEN I woke up on Christmas day.

I'm upset right now. We're allowed a cheat meal/half day/whole day for one day of the week. My free 'day' is Sunday. I have made it my day off so I can relax on my only day off from my work and not work out and eat a little more loose. RevFit originally told me I could have a free day so I did...and free I was. I gained 3 lbs back from last Sunday's free day and it took me half the week to lose it. AND when I'm counting calories and working out with great intensity it is such a waste to have gained my earned lost lbs back. Though I decided to take it as a lesson.

So the upcoming free day was going to be over Christmas weekend. I was mentally prepared that I was not going to just gorge. It wasn't going to be a day of food vacation but like a little nap, something just right. On Christmas day, I did my cardio and I ate my clean meals and tracked the nutritional info. I went over to a friend's house for Christmas dinner. I stayed away from all the appetizers and the many people asking if I would like an alcoholic drink. I was so proud of myself while waiting politely for dinner. For dinner, I had about 3 oz of turkey (the dog caught my plate and ate the other 2 oz which was fine with me), 1 tb of cranberry sauce just to taste, and about a half cup of green bean casserole and one delicious roll. I rarely buy bread and this roll was amazing that I actually closed my eyes while taking a bite to soak in it's goodness on my tongue. Oh and I had water!

So then we did a white elephant (the good present kind) present exchange and then played the game of Spades for hours. So I decided to use my 'free' meal/day during the time we played cards because I felt it was important to be apart of this and not just wait until I was alone to eat my free meal. I had 3 cups of white chocolate covered popcorn (DELIC!) and 2 cups of this PB and choc chex mix, 2 alcoholic drinks, and a half of tiramisu (which I threw the other half AWAY!)

Mentally, eating freely feels weird because I feel guilty and that I'm cheating. I had to remind myself joining in for dessert is all right. I drank a bunch of water when I got home. When I woke up, I gained 3 lbs and have gotten my period. Yep, my blasted period! ARGHHHH!

(When I did Body for Life, I think the cheat day evened itself out in my head since I was weighing once a week, not daily. Now weighing daily I see what exactly is going on.)

On Sunday, I ate clean and drank a ton of water hoping to get rid of any sodium. I ate a bunch of kidney beans to up my fiber intake and also rinsed in a bowl of water for several hours since they came from a can which brought their own sodium pow with it. I woke up today and had lost 1 lb which brings my total to 9 lbs.

Sooo if you've read any of my precious posts then you'd know that when my period comes that means I've arrived in Crazy Town. So now I'm pissed, feeling guilty, fat and sad! On top of it, I have 10 trainers who are going to be looking at my starting picture, weight & measurements and then all of last week's pics, weight and measurements tomorrow. They already think that I should be losing lbs quicker since I have so much to lose. I have 10 trainers that are going to judge me because really, let's be clear... they are going to judge my food portions and choices but they are also going to judge me and my dedication. The reason why I decided to blog a bit ago is that a light bulb came to me a bit ago...I'm doing this for me, not to have 10 trainers proud of me. And even though they probably won't understand about my PMDD and my period, I have lost 9 lbs and 17 inches. I'm very happy to be a part of this program and feel this is such an opportunity. I'm ready to lose this weight and am dedicated to doing the work.

off to go eat 4 oz of turkey...


p.s. this blog wasn't to blast the trainers-I'm stoked for all of them. This is an intense program and I'm blessed to be in it!

No Acid Reflux For Me!

The doctor said it wasn't Acid Reflux but that I had stretched my esophageal sphincter. I had gotten sick that weekend and had thrown up with such force that I had stretched it a bit. Thankfully, I didn't tear it or it would have been bleeding and I would have needed to go to the hospital. The symptoms are a bit the same as Acid Reflux (pressure and burping) just without the acid coming up which I didn't have. It will just take time for it to go back to normal.

Acid Reflux Bites.

I am experiencing acid reflux today. I don't have the acid coming up my throat, thank goodness but I'm experiencing stomach discomfort, heaviness on my chest and constant burping. I looked it up on webmd.com and this is what it said...

"Dyspepsia. Many people with acid reflux disease also have a syndrome called dyspepsia. Dyspepsia is a general term for stomach discomfort. Symptoms of dyspepsia include:

* Burping
* Nausea after eating
* Stomach fullness or bloating
* Upper abdominal pain and discomfort

Symptoms of acid reflux may be a sign that stomach acid has inflamed your esophagus. When that happens, stomach acid can damage the lining of your esophagus and cause bleeding.

Although acid reflux is extremely common and rarely serious, don't ignore your acid reflux symptoms. Making a few lifestyle changes and using over-the-counter antacids usually are all you need to control acid reflux symptoms."


And today I started my Revelation Fitness so it's disappointing that tomato, garlic and onion is causing this discomfort. I LOVE garlic and onions!!! suck. My workout tonight with my trainer Michelle was really hard. It was outside at a local high school parking lot. We lunged, squatted, kettle belled squats, ran, did sit ups and push ups and basically tried to keep our heart rate up. I'm in a little pain.

I just wanted to start my first day of RevFit'in with a blog to let ya'all know what's going on. I'm planning on posting my fat before pictures but I'm struggling with my camera. Hopefully tomorrow!

Stay warm!

Adele! Talented Can Be Overweight Too!

Keeping My Fat A Secret

Recently I was talking on the phone to a man who was a college friend. He lives in Idaho and I live in Texas. We started talking about seeing each other in a couple of months and thinking that perhaps we might be able to build a relationship. It ended up not working out however...


I didn't tell him that I gained weight and I wasn't the same size I was in college. I felt pathetic. Since I couldn't be real then I wasn't fully myself which is a terrible fruitless way to live.


I don't want to live that way.

Money Does Grow On Trees!

RevFit is a big believer in positive thinking. Mariah said in the movie, Inception it dealt with being focused in positivity. I tried to watch it online but it wasn't downloading quick enough. All I got was that your in a dream and then your not...so more on that later.

However, I'm ROCKING the positive (see, instead of trying to rock the positive)...I need to pay for RevFit and then I can start. It's a little slow on that end since I need to pay a huge chunk for my car insurance.

Money does grow on trees, money does grow on trees, money comes to me easily and frequently...

Workin' on my mantra! Hope you're having a scootin' tootin' Thursday!

Happy Veteran's Day!

Burning Ships!

Revelation Fit uses the term 'Ship Burning' affectionately to get the process of no way out, no desertion from your goals into their client's mind so that we understand we have only one way out...so you may be raw and embarrassed but it's going to help you climb out from the abyss from where you are now stuck.

Mariah mentioned the book/movie, The Hunt for Red October where a similar provoking thought Captain Ramius uses to steer his Russian crew and submarine. They were going to defect from Russia but instead of sneaking away, the captain uses the story of the Spaniard Captain Cortes. He led his hundreds of soldiers and crew into Mexico on a treasure hunting expedition. Cortes' goal was to never return but to stay and build a society however, he knew if they had a way out, a possibility to fail then his plan would be ruined. Cortes ordered the eleven ships that allowed them safe passage from their home to be burned; the fact that he was willing to die in this endeavor showed his resolve.

In The Hunt for Red October, Captain Ramius wrote to Russia to explain that he and his officers were defecting so that there wasn't any chance of changing their mind. This is where the movie becomes exciting because then the Russians order a death threat on the submarine, Red October and we get to see Alex Baldwin (I think it was Alex...I always get the Baldwin brothers mixed up) swashbuckling it to save the day.

So Mariah asks what would get my ship burning?? Now imagine my face as white as a sheet and eyes as big as saucers for that's about what I looked like throughout the entire hour. So she prompts me by offering suggestions such as writing a letter to my office/friends/family stating my intentions of 'going all in'? I shake my head and agree that I could probably do that but I'm thinking I'd prefer not to. She then says, "then that's not it!" It's an odd thought that I'm supposed to come up with something that I would never do in a million years.

There was a writer and videographer that works for them that were waiting to talk and to see if I would be a good video candidate. Let me tell you a little something about myself...I have never wanted to be an actor...never wanted to be the diva belting out on stage to the sounds of my cheering fans. I'm the stage manager. I looked at her in horror and said I don't think I can do that and I start to cry! CRY!...geeza louisa! She then said that's your burning ship...

Meeting Mariah

So I met Mariah, Master Trainer of the Revelation Fit program. On our first phone call I wasn't so sure about her. She wanted me to pick a time and place for us to meet to talk over the program. I was fine with Monday morning but didn't care much after that. She asked me three times to be specific. I wasn't loving her tone and when she said I'm not going to ask again I thought, "it seemed a bit early to be badassing it but what do I know?"

We met and she brought it up which I was really thankful for. For after the phone call, I asked a couple people what they thought of the interaction and some said, "sounds like a bitch" and others said to just check it out. I wasn't going to hold a grudge because I figured if I couldn't trust her on something so small that when it came time to the big stuff I wouldn't have a strong foundation with her. Her explanation was that people who are really fat lack in their power and control wheel when they have more control than they realize. She was trying to allow me the control over the situation and I kept trying to give my control back to her. I liked the explanation a whole lot better than if she was trying to show dominance on the first phone call. I'm a good listener but sometimes a phone call is just a phone call.

What Do You Think?

http://www.revelationfit.com/company/programs

I'm thinking about it, well...more praying about it.

It's up to God if the money is going to be there though so I'm waiting to see...

Happy November!

Hi! Hi!

I'm so excited because I've been really digging my job which makes so happy because I was in the dumps being unemployed! Weird what a job does for my self-esteem! I actually made my own money in October! I feel proud about that.

Onto Weight Stuff-
I am really heavy. laughing...is that enough to say?

I'm grateful that I fit into one pair of jeans that I like. Even if they are a size 24. Sometimes just finding a piece of clothing that fits and is cute is almost like finding world peace.

I Passed!

I passed my exam! Yay, I'm so stoked. I took it on Tuesday and passed the National portion but missed the State portion by 2 questions. Thankfully, I was able to take it on Friday and passed. Then I interviewed at a place and was hired! I am so excited!

I seem to still be losing inches but not lbs. Well, I lost 2 lbs but geez...

I'm still not sure why...I asked the Atkins forum and they said I wasn't eating enough veggies for my carbs or it could be sweeteners don't do well for me such as Diet Rite, Splenda, and Diet Coke. Ugh! I'm not giving up though. :)

Tuesday!

This Tuesday I take my big ole' exam. I took a full practice exam yesterday and passed the state potion but didn't pass the national portion...I want to take the exam once and pass both portions!! If I pass one, I can come back and pass the second but who wants to do that? Blech!

Since being on Atkins for one month, I have lost 9 inches! But I haven't lost any weight which I don't really understand. I've been in ketosis so I'm not eating too many carbs. I have to present my case to the Atkins forums and see if they can help me. I'm stoked about the 9 inches because the majority of those inches came from my belly which means I can fit into another pair of pants and I need all the clothes I can get from my closet...hint...nothing in my closet fits!

There is a key to my not losing weight and I think it has something to do with a stall or starvation mode. I've been reading on Atkin's forums about stalls and if you aren't eating enough then your body is going to just maintain. What confuses is me is how much I need to eat because last month on Atkins I went from eating 1700-1800 continuously to upping it another 1000 calories this past week and I'm still maintaining at 2500-3000 calories...who has time to eat 2,500 calories!!?

However, I've been motivated to find out what the heck it is because I feel really great about how I feel after eating the Atkins way. Yesterday, I had a MIM for breakfast with a Venti Caffe Misto (with sugar free cinnamon dulce syrup with Breve cream) from Starbucks, then tuna with dill and olive oil and pork rinds mashed into it (like crackers for me), then a big salad with tomatoes, with pork cut into it with ranch dressing, I had some green olives and a lil cashews when I was at work, and when I got home I made 2 medium steaks sauteed in butter with 1/2 c summer squash with sour cream. AND still I was at 2500 calories but I didn't want to make a mock danish but they are soooo yummy! But I'm determined I will find out what I need to do!

Here is the recipe for the mock danish-very yummy!

Mock Danish

2 oz cream cheese (soften in microwave)
1 egg
1 T splenda
1 T Hershey's cocoa
1 T Sugar free syrup (I have hazelnut)
1/2 tsp vanilla extract

Mix softened cream cheese and egg.
Add remaining ingredients.
Microwave on high for 2 minutes.

Mock Danish Topping

2 oz cream cheese
1/2 bar of bittersweet chocolate
1 tsp of splenda

Microwave just the chocolate in a bowl with a lil water to soften and then add the cream cheese and microwave together for 30 seconds and then add splenda and mix and top over the mock danish. It's a great dessert or when you need something sweet.

Okay, so I'm going to leave you with a picture...I was going to put up a Mock Danish picture but it didn't look to appetizing and I didn't want to dissuade you. I then was going to leave you with my new find at Starbuck's the yummy Caffe Misto with Breve but I figure I don't need to help sell Starbucks...so that leaves you with my CRUSH of the WEEK...

dun dun dun Dun DUNNNNN...building suspension here....

May I introduce you to Mr. Shahid Kapoor, an Indian film actor who I can't stop thinking about. (I'm seriously not kidding!)

Hi!

Ya-hoooo! I passed all 5 classes plus the prep course. Phew! Thanks for all your terrific well wishes and thoughts! They helped!!

I just put in my packet to find out when I can take the RE exam. I have an appointment this Thursday to get my fingerprints. I'm hoping to take my exam next week. I find out if I have passed right after the test is complete. Then I need to go in and talk to a few possible companies to see where I think would be a good fit. After that I need to go and explore 75-100 apartment communities to get a good feel of what they offer. Then I can get started WORKIN!!! I'm so excited, SCARED and feeling blessed all at once!

As far as my weight loss, I've been consistent on Atkins. I've lost inches! I've lost the 8 lbs I gained back but I've been stuck at 250 lbs and can't seem to get a hang of Atkins to get my weight loss lower. I got the 100 oz water down, the vitamins daily, not over carbing but...I think I'm not eating enough daily which SUCKS! I think I need to start writing everything down that I eat to keep to the 20 net carbs and make sure I'm getting enough vegetables and calories. Even with not losing, I feel better eating this way. I'll know more after a couple more months but I even feel my PMS/PMDD symptoms are less and that is way exciting!

My favorite Atkins food so far is something called a MIM. It's a muffin in a minute. It's filling and great in the mornings since I hate trying to come up with something in the mornings.

Take a mug (I love cooking items for one that super duper fast!)and add 1/4 c of ground flaxseed, 1/2 tsp baking powder, 1 tsp Splenda, 1 tsp of Cinnamon (I switch between that and Allspice). Mix dry ingredients well. Add one egg and a couple T of butter and mix really well in the mug. Microwave for one minute.

The best part is...to add a yummy topping...
Microwave for 10-15 seconds, 1 tsp splenda and 2 oz of cream cheese and mix real well and slather over the muffin. I eat my muffin with this topping every now and then.

This is what my MIM looks like---

Wow, Sarah, Missy, Amy & Ginger!

I made a thankful list (see previous blog) and I am thankful for all those things that I wrote but there was a story for each one and I held myself back because I thought that it might be a bit too much. But I'm in a melancholy mood so I'm laying it out there. Comment if you like. *grin!*

You know what I mean, jelly bean! You're thankful for tons but then it crawls up your leg of your life's uneasiness. So here it is...

I'm thankful

for a job even if it is part time.

Crud...actually, I first wrote FUCK...just like that, loud and all hanging out there but then I deleted each letter slowly thinking, "don't want to offend anybody!"

FUCK/Crud on the part time. I can't pay my phone bill, my car insurance (again!), my internet (I won't be able to read my blogs!) and all the other bills. This month I am scraping to pay my rent. Laughing butttt...I bought my food. No food left behind. That should be the name of my memoir! "A hot and steamy day a chicken leg walked into my life, no other chicken leg had done that to me..."

that I'm in Real Estate school.

I am beyond thankful to be in Real Estate school! It means a means to the end, a light at the end of the tunnel...a possibility of how my life should be,... will be. The ama-ZING thing is one of the owners of the job where I am a receptionist at PAID for my 5 classes. She knew that I was better than the receptionist job and needed to go...hmmmm...okay, start singing You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings...because she is. The last 8 months I've been trying to afford to get my Real Estate License but I couldn't reach it.

-tried saving but when I'm eating from the food bank not many quarters were dropping in that bucket.
-Valentine's Day-I made 1,000 heart valentines to sell on the street which my placard said, 'Be My Valentine, Send this girl back to school'. I made 45 cents.
-I finally was able to get a second job. I worked for the census. I put one week's paycheck toward a Real Estate correspondence course. I realized very quickly that I am not a correspondence kinda learner. So I sent it back. The post office decided to push my box of new books into traffic and what was received was every book was ripped with tar gooey-ed onto them. HUH? They only gave me a partial refund.
-With that partial refund, a tooth infection dentist bill and TX car registration became of it.

"oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!", whined the little girl in Annie.

So I went to one of my boss' and said, "you have a new house that you're trying to fix up, can I work to raise my school money?" So I started and pulled down wallpaper for 8 hours (ow!) and she came up and said, "okay, you can work it off but you're starting school on Monday" and nothing I could say to tell her I wanted to work it off before would do any good. So I started school, passed the first class and started my second class today! So I am totally and forever grateful because she was able to pay it forward and I JUST know this will change my life because I will be able to finally get a full time job that will not only pay my bills but allow me to save. Pinch me for this cannot be real because I am sooo excited!

that I have my own apartment that I really, really like.

I am so blessed to live by myself. My place is clean and I don't have to worry about roommates! :) Yippeee!


that I could afford groceries and it's food I enjoy.

well, this month...but I still look in my fridge and pantry and smile that there is food in them.

that I am a hard worker and that I am responsible with a kind heart.

I am.

for my car, Kevin.

even though I need two new tires he still is an awesome Sport SUV that I am proud to own and it is soooo close to being paid OFF!


that I have an overhead fan in my bedroom.

it gets warm here in Austin even with the A/C! You try it!

for my sister B who leaves me funny voicemails.

I love my family even when I don't! :)

that I live in a neat city even if it's muggy.

I went to Barton Springs last Friday and swam in 68 degree water when it was hot and muggy outside. It was a great afternoon.

that my dad is doing good.

oh my, I was nervous for my dad! Now I'm thinking how can I sign up!! Laughing!!

I'm thankful

that I have a cool blog.

It took me awhile to come up with the name Pencil Skirt Bound so I think I have a cool blog. I had to get down to the bones of the matter (hold the fat) and imagine what I want to look like and that lovey-dovey pencil skirt kept rising to the top. AND I have cool people that comment. Thank you to Sarah, Missy, Amy and Ginger.

when people comment. (I get excited!)

"comment, comment, comment." It still cracks me up!

when people follow my blog. (I get really excited!)

Not many people want to follow me but I get it. I'm more of a lackadaisical weight loser (not looser!!!) so you'll have to follow me till I'm 60 years old to see the shocking weight loss and I get that is too much of an investment for some. Eh, your loss!

Life Is Good.

I'm thankful

for a job even if it is part time.
that I'm in Real Estate school.
that I have my own apartment that I really, really like.
that I could afford groceries and it's food I enjoy.
that I am a hard worker and that I am responsible with a kind heart.
for my car, Kevin.
that I have an overhead fan in my bedroom.
for my sister B who leaves me funny voicemails.
that I live in a neat city even if it's muggy.
that my dad is doing good.

I'm thankful

that I have a cool blog.
when people comment. (I get excited!)
when people follow my blog. (I get really excited!)

One Down, Four To Go!

I've been AWOL because I....dun dun dunNNNNN....started Real Estate school this week to get my real estate license! I am so stoked that I'm a big ball of HAPPINESS! And I passed my first class of Law of Contracts today!! It was a tough week of going to school all day Monday-Thursday but I did it. 3 more weeks!

AND-
I brought my meal to eat throughout the day, my vitamins (which I only took twice) and my water jug (which fits 10 C of water) and I drank all of it everyday!! I'm down on my weight but I wanted to wait since I felt my scale was lame (it wasn't digital) since if I moved my body at all on it, my weight would increase or decrease and I didn't feel that was good mentally for me since I was so frustrated. However, my friend gave me her scale so I'm hoping next week I can begin logging my weight again to keep accountability rockin'.

Today I ate so you can get a clue on what I'm doing on Atkins~

Breakfast-
iced green tea
2 eggs, leftover porkchop and steak (small amt) and avocado mixed all up.
Snack-
4oz cheese
Lunch-
coleslaw and grilled chicken w/ lil bbq sauce
iced regular tea
snack-
pork rinds (please withhold your comments :) )
Snack that I'm drinking right now-
glass of white wine
Supper-
probably shrimp and sauteed zuccini

I Would Like To Thank...

I received my very first award from Annie @ Annie Weighs!

Here are the rules:
1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Nominate seven newly discovered blogs.
4. Let your nominees know about the award

Things about Me!
1. My Explorer is named Kevin.
2. I love swimming. I think it makes life better to be able to pretend I'm a mermaid for a little while.
3. I'm really struggling thinking of 7 things to share which is nutso since I can talk anyone's ear off.
4. I love having my own apartment. It's clean and I don't have to clean after anyone else which I really am grateful for.
5. I am often told that I look like Kirstie Alley.
6. My favorite holidays are Thanksgiving and Independence Day because of the same reasons. I get to just hang with my family, have good food and play games.
7. I'm often sung to when I meet older people because they remember the song Carrie Ann by The Hollies. "Hey Carrie Ann, what's your game now can anybody play?"

My Nominees!

1. Ginger @ http://365daysofwhat.blogspot.com/ 365 Days of What?

~Ginger is a terrific commenter which makes me smile every time I see her kissy face picture!~

2. Sarah @ http://foodandtherapy.blogspot.com/ (Food Will Not Define Me Forever)

~Sarah is a lovey-dovey! There have been moments when I've been down and knowing that we have gone through some of the same things has made my day a little more bearable.~

3. Lafngrl @ http://35yearoldface.blogspot.com/ (Virtual Biggest Loser, Summer of 2010)

~I like her attitude in her goals!~

4. Missy @ http://misspuddingfood.wordpress.com/ (Fatology)

~I so appreciate her candor in her feelings and her words. I love that she can toss around the word 'fuck' but there is purpose behind it and you can feel it through her writing. But I hate it because I cannot figure out how to follow those wordpress bloggers.~

5. Kirsten @ http://results-not-typical-girl.com/wordpress/ (Results Not Typical Girl)

~Kirsten's writing is funny...like real funny. Where I am more reflective in my writing I so appreciate her openness for just what is in front of her. It's refreshing!

6. Amanda @ http://assinseat.blogspot.com/ (Ass in Seat)

~I love the name of Amanda's blog! When I went to San Diego recently during the flight I thought about her due to my big behind was in an airplane seat. :)~

7. Miss Haneefa @ http://blackgirlgetsfit.blogspot.com/ (Black Girl Gets Fit)

~Miss Haneefa has a terrific blog. It's uplifting and she keeps with her goals. She writes them out clearly and reviews them which always helps me to review mine.~

Update From My Dad-

Recap-my dad had gastric bypass surgery about a month ago. He was 'only' 80 lbs overweight but he had serious medical issues that they thought the surgery would help.

July 13, 2010
"The big difference is in the weight, a little over 35 lbs loss and a loss of 21 inches.

I see the surgeon tomorrow for my first month checkup. Except for my lower back, which still is extremely sore, and trying to figure out what I can eat and how much is still a big learning curve for me, I'm doing okay. It will get better I hope as I'm suppose to slowly start to eat regular food. Right now if I eat too fast - pain, if I eat too much (trying to figure how much is too much is still a big question) - pain, and that goes the same for drinking liquids, as well as how often to eat. Right now I'm eating/drinking about 4 to 5 times a day.

I bought a year's pass to the pool and have been doing aqua-jogging laps for more exercise. I definitely get a workout with jogging with the aqua-jogger vest. That and our stroll (0.6 mile) that Murphy (their dog) and I do every other day is slowly starting to get me back in a little better shape. I meant to get over to physical therapy and ask them for some exercises that I should be doing but I keep getting sidetracked. Maybe later this week."

July 14, 2010

"Saw the doctor today and he was pleased with my weight loss, lower blood pressure and blood sugar. As to my back pain he said it was no longer the surgery. Most likely caused by my body changes and therefore my back is trying to adjust to my new body. Spent some time then talking with their nutritionist about food and sort of how to go about changing over to harder more substantial food. She told me to try fish which I did when I got home. I had some salmon and baked a piece with a small amount of olive oil, just like she said. I had a small piece, about 2 x 3 x 1" and took my time eating it. Tasted great, but 10 min later it felt like I swallowed a beach ball and someone was filling it with air. Laid down for a little bit and that didn't help. Finally about an hour later the pressure is going down. Not completely yet but so much better. I guess I'm going to have to start with maybe a third of that. I have some more that I cooked up but didn't eat. I may try a much smaller sample tomorrow."


Thanks for the prayers and thoughts! Keep 'em coming!

Don't Throw Bread At Me!

All right so moving along in my journey....

I have started Atkins. Not the Atkins were all I'm eating is animal protein but veggies as part of the fiber content. I thought of chickening out and not write the truth that I decided to move away from Weight Watchers and try Atkins. I felt as if I was getting fatter so I thought this might be a good start for me. I've also been looking for a treadmill that someone might not want anymore.

I'll check back in soon but I wanted to start off truthfully!

One Lesson

Why is it that I am willing to stop living my life because of fat? Thinking logically about it in that terms makes me feel so silly, so ridiculous...yet it's there and it sure isn't going anywhere no matter how many times I try to Kumbaya it away.




I had a terrific time going home. I mean TERRIFIC!! I was able to soak in my family and friends and my cat in. I loved being able to drive around and know exactly how to get where I was going and knew all the streets between me and there. No guessing, no worrying! It felt so stress-FREE! (You know what I mean when you move to a new place and even if you've been there a year you still wonder, "where does that street lead to?") And to bring myself back to my ridiculous self of not living due to being fat...it felt so nice to visit with my family and friends. Was I probably judged about my weight? Yes but I didn't notice it! I hadn't been home in a year and the last 6 months I really didn't want to go home because I felt even fatter than when I left. I was feeling who wants to have fun while carrying a 6th grader on my back. But even with that middle schooler on my back, I am so thankful I went home. I felt like I was given new eyes to my life. I felt refreshed and ready to go live my stressful, crazy life.

Celebrate Your Independence!

I came home for a long weekend. I am so excited! I haven't been home in a year and I've missed my family AND the weather. There has been a high learning curve to living in Austin and living with high humidity! This post is a BRAVO because I haven't been wanting to come home because I'm embarrassed that I'm still overweight but last week I thought, "enough is enough, go HOME!" And I did and it's been terrific! I've been hanging outside every moment I can get trying to soak in the weather and how lovely it is here. I've also been getting as many hugs as I can from my family! So even though I'm still fat I'm working on not letting me stop living my life! This trip was a huge part of that....because imagine sitting on the plane in the cattle car section, not having the cutest clothes and tugging and pulling at them all the time, seeing my family and friends AND doing all this while hating that I'm still fat.

But I came anyway! So in a way I'm celebrating my independence (even if it is from myself!)

Happy 4th of July everyone!

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it." ~Mark Twain

PMDD Cont'd or I Miss Phen-Fen!

My PMDD always begins with trouble sleeping for the first two nights. The first night into it I have odd fantasies/dreams. The second and third day I'm craving food, any kind with a heap of sugar. During these days the worst symptom of them all comes out...suicidal thoughts. Most months I'm able to recognize what it is...a symptom and toss it away. This past week my worries and concern of what is going on now in my life which I believe further stepped me closer to these harmful thoughts had me considering the poor idea. I struggled with separating that it's a PMDD symptom and what I really feel. It gets nerve-wracking when I'm thinking I should clean my apartment extra good just in case....ya know. It's a terrible thought and an even more terrible way of life.



Years ago I got the book When Your Body Gets The Blues by Dr. Marie-Annette Brown and Jo Robinson. It stresses getting enough light, getting some walking in and a vitamin cocktail of B1, B2, B6, D, Folic Acid, and Selenium. They did studies using this combination and found that it helped women going through what I go through. I follow this but sometimes it doesn't work for me. I think the extra weight digs a deeper hole in PMDD symptoms for me.

A couple days ago of desperation I read everything I could on the internet about serotonin. When I was on Phen-Fen (now that could be a whole other post!) I felt WONDERFUL!! Sure I lost weight but it was just grand that I didn't think about food every blessed second, slept great, and felt like I knew I always should have felt. When they found that Phen-Fen was causing holes in people's hearts, they took it away. I was so sad and miserable! So I've been looking for a shot of serotonin ever since. I bought the OTC vitamin 5-HTP a couple days ago and so far I'm feeling less foggy, more relaxed and calm, AND not thinking I need to eat or forage for food. It isn't as strong as Phen-Fen was when just looking at food made me feel full. With 5-HTP I have to make the choice of whether I should eat but I'm been grateful my head is allowing me to ask the question instead of 'no thoughts, just open mouth and insert any food that's near.' Now it's only been a couple of days so I cannot make a complete decision on whether this will work but I'm going to keep taking it and jot notes down to see how I do.

This makes me so sad!
"The incidence of suicide in women with depression is significantly higher during the latter half of the menstrual cycle."

PMDD

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a condition marked by severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation.

Five or more of the following symptoms must be present:
In BOLD are the symptoms that I get-

1. Disinterest in daily activities and relationships
2. Fatigue or low energy
3. Feeling of sadness or hopelessness, possible suicidal thoughts
4. Feelings of tension or anxiety
5. Feeling out of control
6. Food cravings or binge eating
7. Mood swings marked by periods of teariness
8. Panic attack
9. Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people
10.Trouble concentrating
11. Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain
12. Sleep disturbances

Treatment-
Women with PMDD may be helped by the following:
1. A balanced diet (with increased whole grains, vegetables, fruit, and decreased or no salt, sugar, alcohol, and caffeine)
2. Adequate rest
3. Regular exercise 3-5 times per week
In addition, it is important to keep a diary or calendar to record the type, severity, and duration of symptoms.

Selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are antidepressant drugs that can treat PMDD. SSRIs include fluoxetine (Prozac, Sarafem), sertraline (Zoloft), paroxetine (Paxil), fluvoxamine (Luvox), citalopram (Celexa), and escitalopram (Lexapro).

Nutritional supplements -- such as vitamin B6, calcium, and magnesium -- may be recommended. Pain relievers such as aspirin or ibuprofen may be prescribed for headache, backache, menstrual cramping and breast tenderness. Diuretics may be useful for women who have significant weight gain due to fluid retention.

Complications
PMDD symptoms may become severe enough that they interfere with a woman's daily life. Women with depression may have worse symptoms during the second half of their cycle and may require medication adjustments.

As many as 10% of women who report PMS symptoms, particularly those with PMDD, have had suicidal thoughts. The incidence of suicide in women with depression is significantly higher during the latter half of the menstrual cycle.

PMDD may be associated with eating disorders and smoking.

-------------------------------------------------------------------


I added the PMDD Google Health discussion to get an understanding of what it is. For me, I HATE IT! It changes my life every month. Unfortunately, I get my period every 22 days so one week I'm off, one week PMS/PMDD and one week TOM and then it begins again. Some months are better than others and some get me really into the pits. This past week was the pits. I didn't really want to blog about it because any time people use the words suicide and depression, some people get a little judgy.

This complicates my goals of losing weight. It always has! I have lost 55 lbs in the past with Weight Watchers but it took an awfully long time which I chalk up to 2 steps forward, 1 step back. The reason I'm losing the same 50 lbs again is due to PMDD. My doctor put me on the birth control Yas that was supposed to help with my PMDD symptoms. It kinda did but then it helped me gain almost 40 lbs. (The last time I gained 55 lbs was due to the birth control Depo-Provera.) That isn't the kinda help I want nor need! Blah! I continued carrying 'the gaining weight torch' since now I was fat, new to Austin and had a new job, then lost my new job and was depressed about not knowing anyone as well as the things I already mentioned. I'll write more about this another time.

I know getting out into the sunlight, exercise, and vitamins is a big deal to help me feel better and I do them but sometimes it doesn't make me feel better. It makes me proud of myself that I am doing good things for my body. However, it also hurts that even though I'm doing good things for my body, my body isn't receiving those things and fixing itself.

My Dad's Letter

My dad sent this letter on Sunday. He seems to be doing really well. I'm happy he is safe and praying that this will work out for him like he hoped. He has/had about 80 lbs to lose which isn't a TON but he has several medical issues which they are hoping this choice to do this will cure or help alleviate them. This definitely wouldn't be my choice which is why you read about my life chugging and lugging over this journey. I thought it would be a neat ending to the blog posts about my dad.


" I just got out of the hospital today. As you may have known I went the hospital in Frankfurt on Monday and had my Roux-en-y (RNY) gastric bypass the next morning. The surgery consisted of cutting the top portion of my stomach, approximately 10% or in my case 15 ml, and connecting it to the middle of the small intestine. The remaining part of the stomach is sewn shut where the cut was made as that is needed to still produce the gastric acid for digestion. Last Saturday, I did a colon cleanse as the Frankfurt hospital told me I had to have my colon cleansed. That was fun and if you ever had that done you know what I mean. When I got to the Frankfurt hospital they did an upper GI endoscopy, i.e, put a scope down my throat to see if my stomach was okay. I still have a small sore throat form it. They then informed me that I needed a colon cleanse. I told them I already had one. They said I still needed theirs. I don't think they believed me. Having two in three days is so much fun. :(

The first 48 hours after surgery I could have nothing to drink or eat. They only gave me a small cup of water and very large q-tips to drunk into the water to wet my mouth. Thursday, they finally gave me clear broth for each of my meals, with a half a glass of water in between the meals. Friday, got more clear broth and in the evening was given cream soup. Saturday, I got cream soup and a liquid pudding for all three meals and the same went for Sunday when I was discharged just after lunch. I was surprised in that I was not hungry at all and felt really full when they gave me the cream soup and liquid pudding. In fact, I had difficulty finishing it. I still feel like someone punched me in the stomach after the surgery and have some discomfort but it is not that bad.

However, I'm down 22 pounds the first week (started at 260 and am now 238). Mother says a good portion of my gut has disappeared. I know the weight loss won't continue at this rate but I hope to keep to the program. I only get liquid food for the next two weeks and then gradually change over to more and more solid food. The doctor put my goal weight at 160 which is going to be a challenge but I think I'm up to it or at least I'll give it my best shot. They say eating is one of the hardest habits to break. Driving home form the hospital and driving past the bakery and even more gyros shops, I said okay no more of those. The gyros I probably could have in the future but instead of it being a meal it will be more like four meals for me. "

Men In Uniform

I want to add something to my Why I Want to Lose Weight list...

...so I can look cute for police officers who pull me over. Grin!

I was pulled over yesterday and he was a cutie-patootie.

I'm not in the flirting mood quite yet but when I will be, watch out Men In Uniform!

Keep Calm and Carry On

I had a breakthrough last night. We had the Showcase last night and it went terrific! The food was yummy and so was the flowing wine! (I worked 15 hours yesterday and was really tired with achey feet by the end of it.) When I'm in situations like that since I'm still new on my weight loss journey it stress me out mentally because it's food I don't normally eat nor buy and I didn't make it. Yesterday I didn't have the time to track my points because of so much to do. I was literally running around the studio bringing food up, carrying trays back, throwing trash away and cleaning when I could. I did dance a couple times which also stresses me out. This cute boy asked me to dance and we attempted to rumba. Since I haven't touched a boy in ages it made me all giddy which I kept having a stern talkin' to in my head of "knock it off, it's just a dance!"

Anyway onto the breakthrough...


Since I've been excited about losing weight sometimes I get frustrated that I'm not already skinny and through that frustration makes me feel less likely to work so hard since the weight is taking it's sweet time to drop off. As I was just nodding off to sleep last night it came to me (which is so silly and I'm sure you're never going to come back to this blog because of it's silliness) that if I don't lose quickly it's all right. If I keep working the program then the weight is still going to come off so my plan IS working!

Sometimes I need to reassure myself and keep calm and carry on.

A Promise For Today!

I've eaten 6 mini-sized chocolates and I know that I am eating my feelings down right now. I'm at work so I cannot cry, stomp or yelp but NO more will I eat another chocolate. This is my promise to you.



I thought about posting pictures of chocolates and stabbing them or something funny like that but really this is about I'm worth more than the damn chocolates! I want FREEDOM!

Wobbly Parts

Tomorrow the dance studio where I work is holding their Showcase. It's a fancy-schmancy affair where professional instructors dance with their students and neat dance teams perform. I've been very excited about watching it and being apart of it.

BUT....

...remember I said it was a fancy affair. We're supposed to dress up and I've been planning how I'm going to look with my make-up and if I was going to curl or straighten my hair but I never thought about my dress. So 5 minutes ago (because it doesn't take long to figure out what I can and cannot fit into) I figured out the only 2 dresses I fit in, I look jiggly in. My butt and thighs wobble through the dresses. Not like a dainty English wobble to and fro but a "hold onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen!" wobble and now I'm sad. I'm thinking maybe I should just wear my black capris and dress up around it. I want to be comfortable but cute and I'm going to be working through this affair.



It's frustrating because I see in my mind what my body should look like and then it's a surprise when my body is still fat and dumpy.

Checking In With My Dad~

My dad went in for gastric bypass surgery on Tuesday. My mom said he was excited and ready to get started in hopes of feeling better. She was told that after the endoscopy, he would be sedated so she should go home. My parents live in Germany.

She went outside and discovered that his car had a flat tire. Back and forth with the German version of AAA, she was finally (about 3 hours later!) able to get the spare tire on (but since it looked and acted like a tire from a clown car they advised her to not go faster than 50 miles/hour - not very safe on the autobahn!).

She got home and called around, the one shop that can do the work will have to order the tire and it will be in by Fri/Sat. So she got in her car to go to another shop, only to discover that her car had a flat! Geez...long story, long, the one shop can get her tire fixed tomorrow so she didn't have a car to go back and be with my dad.

Following his surgery today, which the Drs said went "zuper!" he will stay in ICU for 24 hours and they will have him up and walking around tomorrow. My mom was able to talk to him and he said he felt a little "rough" ... and uncomfortable, if he moved a certain way but otherwise, ok.

She heard that they are planning to now keep him until Sunday (instead of the Friday release).

As a side note, my mom sat next to a man in the lobby that was the same general stature of Dad and he asked about dad getting the surgery. He shared that he had the same procedure, lost 70lbs (about what my dad needs to) and is so grateful he did it...said it was the best thing he ever did and to tell my dad that he will be feeling so much better (even after just a few weeks!). Good news :)

Afterwards, they are trying to keep him still but he is starting to do laps on the floor. The only issue is that he is off of his meds and cannot drink anything for 48 hrs. They have a cotton ball with some drops of water that he can put in his mouth to moisten - yuck!

His blood pressure is 177/92 so they are concerned but have given him some spray thing to bring it down. My mom goes back today but they will be keeping him until Sunday. It was 4 hours round-trip for her after work last night, so she's exhausted. My guess is that he's pretty content to sit and watch FIFA and be on a morphine drip!

All week long I've been stressed and worried about him. My parents are a lesson to me of what will not become of my life.

247 lbs

I only lost .6 lbs last week. I'm disappointed but I know why I lost so little. My little sister came into town for 1 day and we went to supper at the Texas Land & Cattle. It was yummy but crazy in the amounts of points. I need a buffer so knowing that by the second day all my flexible points are gone gets my head in a tizzy. I then brought a bunch of leftover steak home. Yummy yes! But since I didn't make it, I don't know exactly what's in it and the exact points.

Also, I'm blaming my TOM because I was definitely holding onto my sanity with white knuckles last week. I'm glad I lost only that because if I lost more I would think I could be easy peasy with my eating all the time and lose weight and that just isn't the case.

I am making good choices by going walking now. I've gone 4 times this week. Go Me!

Going Out?

Today I went to an Austin local 'fast food' joint. It's called Terra Burger. (www.terraburgeraustin.com) Everything is organic. I realize there is a much bigger argument raging today that just because we're eating organic does not mean it's good for the environment and therefore us in the process. (The other side is locally grown organic is what we need to eat, not organic produce trucked in from overseas or other states) I thought it was neat because it gives an option from a yucky lardfest, corrupt money hungry at all cost including our children, sugar-high fast food place.

I had a vegan burger which was 7 points with vegan mayo which was 1 point. It was all right-not terrific. I think there buns are too big and not yummy enough. I had a turkey burger there last week which was 12 points and was soooo mad at myself because when I compared it to the beef burger it was the same amount of points and I could of had that! They offer sweet potato fries (regular=6 points)which I think is a neat change from the same ol' french fries but were soggy and not crispy when I got home. I also had a diet lime cola which was made from stevia. A little sweet for me but not bad every now and then. I also had organic mint chip ice cream for dessert which was nice and was 5 points. This won't be a place I go too often since it's pricey. What I think was the best about them was right at the drive through speaker I asked about their nutritional info and she walked me through everything I was buying. I wish all restaurants were like that!!!

Any suggestions on delicious different foods that you get when you're out (from anywhere!)? If you can attempt to throw in the calories, fat and fiber...even ballpark it. That'd be great!

Vegan burger-345 cal/13 fat/7 fiber
Vegan mayo-35 cal/3.5 fat/ 2 fiber
Sweet Potato fries, reg size-210 cal/ 10 fat/ 3 fiber
Mint chip ice cream, reg size-225 cal/14 fat/1 fiber

Cake Mines

So after the mess I got myself in yesterday I remembered on my drive to work that the next time I eat is when I can start over and make a good choice. That's why I like Weight Watchers. No food is 'bad' nor 'good' and the next time I make a healthy choice for me then I'm back on track. So I went to Subway before work and got an only veggie footlong on 9 Grain Wheat bread, Southwestern Ranch Baked Lays (which are new to me) and a diet coke. I'm saving the other half of the footlong for later. So when I got into work this is what was staring back at me....



The cakes are from a birthday party last night. My boss said to put it out on the table to get dance students to eat it so she doesn't have to bring it home and eat it all. But I have to sit across from it all day. Could this constitute harrassment at work? Cake harrassment. If you read my post from last night than you get that I've been hanging by a thread during my PMS/TOM. I already feel like I'm a sniper steathily walking around land mines now I have a cake mine thrown right in front of me by the enemy and I'm trying to dig my foxhole as quickly as possible. This blog is a huge part of that foxhole so thanks!

A Cow Covered in Chocolate or otherwise titled How PMS Sucks

Today is the day my TOM came. I was expecting it so no surprise there but what I wasn't expecting was the wave of feeling uncontrollable and wanting to eat you. The funny thing is this is what my period is like every month. I get it every 22 days. So one week I'm on, one week I'm off and one week it's coming. However, the crashing of symptoms after symptoms is a shock. How ridiculous is that? I'm a smart girl or I think I am but these symptoms catch me like a cheetah catches a jogger.



So onto the forgiveness of myself part of the blog by laying it all out there:
I was so OFF points like Obama not telling us his plan for what really was going to happen during his presidency. (don't hate, I voted for Obama AND for Bush...what's that tell ya? see below for answer)

Before work: 1 C almond milk
Breakfast: 8 individual chocolates, diet coke and 2 Ibruprofen. Funny thing I felt sooo much better.
Snacks: Cut up cucumbers and 1 c grapes
lunch: 1 tin of tuna with olive oil, 1/2 C corn, 2 T of vegan mayo
Dinch (after lunch before dinner): 2 1/2 C sauteed veggies such as cabbage, mushrooms, carrot, celery, green onion and mustard green, 4 oz tofu, 1 oz of roasted sunflower seeds
Dinner and throughout the evening: 4 oz steak, 1 C garlic mashed potatoes, lil bit of marinated mushrooms, one bottle of Pinot Grigio, 1 can of biscuits AND 1 pint of ice cream made out of coconut milk.
12 C of water

Whoooo-weeee!!

During work, I announced aloud, "I could eat a cow covered in chocolate" and from looking at my dinner I think I covered that base. I have to go brush my teeth to get the lard taste out.

Answer: A. Accountability is needed. B. Blogs help with accountability. C. Therefore Presidents should be required to blog.

Homesick

I have lived in Austin, TX for a year. I arrived at the end of June 2009 from San Diego. I moved to Austin where I didn't know anyone for a job. I was really excited and proud of myself. I still am proud but probably a little less excited. I'm homesick. One of my sisters and her husband is driving across country because she is starting her internship in VA. (She just graduated from medical school. YAY!) They came and visited yesterday and I hadn't seen any of my family and friends in this past year.


I was so thrilled to hang out with them. I took them to Casa de Luz vegan restaurant for lunch and was disappointed that the ginger sweet potato soup tasted like the sugary fruit loops cereal. Blech! We found them a hotel and then walked at Town Lake in the 100 degree weather with 200% humidity. Sweat-TEE! We explored Lance Armstrong's bike shop Mellow Johnny's and went walking to find the Lance Armstrong Bikeway with artwork along the way. I don't think we found it but we found a little river with turtles. I showed them Barton Springs pool and they were really impressed. It's a huge, HUGE spring-fed pool, 900 feet long and has a natural rock and gravel bottom. We then went to Texas Land and Cattle for supper and I had a terrific rib-eye. Got to love grass fed beef for I can really tell the difference! After supper I showed them my apartment and we looked at a photo album of their wedding that I made. They've been married for a year. We then said goodbye and I teared up a bit.


I woke up sad and cried while I made my meals for the day because I'm working a 12 hour shift today. Then teared up while opening the studio. Then walked into the bathroom where I cried some more. I just miss my family and dang IT, I'm tearing up again. To bring this back to a weight loss blog, I did walk into the studio kitchen and while wiping away tears, I saw our event food of cookies and chex mix and asked myself, "Would eating make you feel better?" in which I replied in my head, "No but I want to crawl into my bed and cry a lot." But I can't so it's back to work with puffy eyes.

247.6

I lost 4.8 lbs the second week. Not bad, not bad!

I would like to thank my big water bottle for allowing me to get in 10 cups of water every single day. I would like to thank Weight Watchers because I followed the program. I was ON POINTS, took my vitamins and ate my filling foods. Thank you to Subway for your Baked Lays and Oven Roasted Chicken Breast sandwich and my most favorite Austin restaurant, Casa de Luz. Casa de Luz, your vegan, organic and local grown foods gave me a party in my stomach for which I am truly thankful! And can't forget all those vegetables for without you fiber rich lil' foods I would have been hungry and cranky!

Why I Am Pencil Skirt Bound?

Pencil skirts to me exude the gamut to feminine grace to a sexy, dramatic statement. When I see pictures of form fitted pencil skirts it seems so sophisticated and stylish and when I'm fat I am the furthest from that! And with MY behind it isn't often I feel I am at either end. I think wearing a pencil skirt and feeling good about it will take work of getting good nutrition, correct portion sizes and working...*grin!*...my behind off. I am taking pictures and they will posted shortly but I've been holding off because I am still nervous. It's weird to throw your goods out on the internet. I see the weight loss bloggers that are posting fat pics left and right of their progress and I DO love it because it gives me inspiration. However, I want to show that I am here to stay instead of a fly by the skirt blogger by posting some before and a bit of some progression. So stay tuned in, Skirts! PICS are coming! What do you like about pencil skirts?

I'm Doing It! Why Aren't YOU?!

I jumped in and thought there shouldn't be any excuse for me NOT to join Big Bottom Blogger's challenge of Race to 10! Check it out. She is a terrific motivation of what can happen when you're ready to lose that weight.

http://bigbottomblogger.blogspot.com/2010/06/face-music-friday-and-race-to-10.html

4 lbs.

I lost 4 lbs this week. I'm a bit stunned because if you read my earlier entries I gave up halfway through and figured I would start again this week. I told the WW lady this and she said, "don't you start again because you had a great weigh-in!" On my own time when I'm not eating out I mostly eat vegan, non-processed foods so I wonder if I made more better decisions than I made icky ones. AND I drank a buncho water! Well, I'm sticking with that. I am not going to get caught up in the easy peasy thought of, "See I don't have to work at losing weight for it's just going fallll off!" **motioning tra la la ballerina arms while saying this**

There is a blog I love called Gettin' Shrunk. http://gottagetshrunk.blogspot.com/ She followed WW exactly and worked out like a demon and lost her weight IN A YEAR! I envy and am proud of that woman with such determination! She reminds me that if I'm going to lose this weight I need to follow the plan and work it by being ON POINTS. So that is a goal of mine too to be on points this week....and always...(you could probably insert the tra la la arms here too but I don't want to push it)

Here's to mustard greens!

My Tummy Has a Tummy

Well here I started Week 1 on Weight Watchers and it's the night before my weigh-in and what I did to myself was ridiculous this past week. I started off great but my work got in the way/weigh. I worked a bunch of hours and it just got me off on the wrong track. Here is how I am going to get myself back onto this train this week. Whoo, whoo!!

1. Fail to plan, then plan to fail
I need to come up with easy, forkless, meals that can be eaten cold that I can bring to my desk when I work my weekend job. It throws me out of the running when I bring some good food but I cannot eat it because I need a microwave and silverware which only just makes me lug it back home again.
Any Suggestions?

2. Quick meals even if they aren't vegan that are frozen.
Are you seeing a pattern? I like meals that don't take much time to make. I'm all about cutting up veggies and I do it a lot. (veggie soup, polenta pie, veggie/tofu spaghetti, apples and almond butter, pear and 1 oz. walnuts) But I'm needing food that I don't have to make that will still be decent for me (not tons of sodium) so that I won't run out and grab some food.

I am a little sick of Subway. I go to it because it's a cheap and easy meal that I can have control over what I am eating. No cheese please! Unfortunately I made another bad choice today by going to....*pause for effect*...the fast food joint, Jack in the Crack. I can't remember the last time I had fast food. I have good food in my fridge and pantry but I didn't want another vegetable load up that I had to make from scratch.

I Went For a Walk

I often swim through the many weight loss blogs. Some that I am followers of and some that they follow. I love reading the daily adventures, the funny musings and the painful connections we all go through. Today as I was reading through Lynn's Weigh, The Journey Continues Blog (http://lynnsweigh.blogspot.com/) it reminded me that little by little is a good thing. And that meant that little by little I needed to start exercising which is one of the reasons I am so grateful for these smart bloggers. I got off the couch, put my exercise clothes and walked for an hour. It was just a walk, nothing big but something so little by little I can be grateful for.

What If I Can

I have for several months wanted to get my real estate license but I couldn't afford the schooling. Through a couple of temporary jobs I was able to buy the tuition and books to the correspondence course that I am needing. I am thrilled that I have been able to do that because just getting that was a huge deal! But now the books have come and my log-in is sitting in my e-mail inbox and now I'm scared. They came yesterday and I did have a busy day so I wasn't able to put my full attention to get it started but there is a wall that's blocking me from starting.

My heart races a little more when I think about it. I feel this is my dream and my reality crashing together like waves on the shore. What if I can't do it? What if I don't pass the exams? What if it's too hard? All of my past failed tests are dancing around in my head laughing at me.

Okay, just breath. When I thought, "What if I can't", the thought popped out, "WHAT IF I CAN!" All righty, I'm going to get dressed and start this!

I Had to Come Back

I just posted but I can't stop thinking about my folks. My dad will be getting gastric bypass surgery in a couple of weeks. I am so SAD about it! I mean it's my dad, my daddy, my father and I'm scared for him. My dad is 64 years old but looks and acts like he's in his 80's. He can't walk far because his body hasn't been used properly in years. His legs and back are almost always in pain. He has sleep apnea and non-insulin diabetes. He has 80 lbs. to lose. I'm very surprised that he was approved for the surgery since I had thought you needed to be 100 lbs overweight to be considered. He was planning on going in for lap band surgery but his doctor told him for his age that getting gastric bypass is a much safer procedure for him. My parents live in Germany and he will be getting the surgery from one of the American hospitals there. My mom is a civilian working for the U.S. Army which is why they live in Germany.

I sent him a card I made saying that I support him in whatever choice he chooses and that I believe in him. I don't want him to think I'm negative about this because I know he's put a lot of thought into this and as his daughter I need to support him....even if it is something I wouldn't do. I'm just praying it goes well and he and my mom can learn to change their behavior. 64 years old seems so young. He could easily live for 20 more years. I've been yapping about Weight Watchers for years but clearly it isn't for him or he would of done it.

I feel like the cliche, "move it or lose it!" applies to my dad. I never want to have Gastric or Lap Band. I want to be in control of my body and my decisions. I guess that is why I joined Weight Watchers again today. I needed to move it or lose it so one step at a time. Please think healthy and safe thoughts for my dad! I love him!

256.4

"Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness", said with shock and disappointment! I started Weight Watchers today and I could NOT believe what I saw. The WW receptionist still had my weigh-in booklet and I could read it upside down that it read, "256.4lbs". I thought, "NO WAY, I'm misreading it." Oh my goodness, I so wasn't. That is my highest weight ever.

I was on Weight Watchers before several years ago. I had gained 50 lbs, besides the many other side affects when I was on the birth control Depo Provera. I lost it slowly with WW. At the end of 2008, beginning of 2009 I gained 40 lbs with another birth control called Yaz to help me with my Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). I should have known better than to be on any kind of birth control. I know those hormones throw me out of whack! Well, I gained that 40 lbs plus another 20 from being depressed about being unemployed and being in a new city. I can't believe I weigh 256lbs.

When Is It Going To END?

I'm watching the tv show, The Biggest Loser. A fat person's Kryptonite! They are showing the final four going home. I had to stop the show because of the tears in my eyes. I'm watching Mike, Daris, Koli and Ashley come home and see the pride their families and friends have for them and the joyfulness the contestants are exuding. I just ate 8 crescent rolls and drank 3 glasses of wine. Really!?!? When am I going to stop this roller coaster of insanity? Only I can make the choice to change to stop feeling embarrassed, ashamed and out of place.

A Big Girl

I have always been the overweight girl, the fat girl, the one with the pretty face, the thick girl, the big girl. My height peeked in 5th grade to a tall 5'6 and then it stopped. I remember being in a gymnastics class when I was 11 years old and my teachers calling me the big girl. They were teaching us handstands to fall back on our feet so that we looked like upside down turtles. I remember I could never get my feet quite under me and I would fall !SPLAT! on my back which would make a loud noise in the gym, as well as knocking the breath out of me. I would walk to the end of the line feeling embarrassed of the loud noise my body would make in falling on the mat and feeling very unlike the other 10-11 year old girls. I was probably 140 lbs.

I went to a Catholic school grade school and remember tugging at my green uniform jumper over my big belly and then when I passed to 7th and 8th grade our uniform changed since we were the older girls. Our uniforms changed to a green skirt with a white button up shirt. My shirt never lay flat over my body like my other classmates, it curved to the weight of my growing breasts and thick waist and belly. Since I felt uncomfortable with how I looked and how I was perceived by others, I read a lot. It was my saving grace to duck into a book and not think about the life I was living or rather not living.

For high school, I was sent to an all girls Catholic high school which didn't really help my social skills. I went more inward and thought less and less about living. I was really struggling during this time. Looking back on the pictures I am surprised how I don't look so different than the other girls. I was heavier but only by about 20 lbs. It's interesting to me that those 20 lbs felt like the Grand Canyon for me. I was probably 170 lbs.

I was able to talk my parents into letting me switch to a public school and I started my first ever public school my second semester Sophomore year. Since I had been wearing uniforms my entire life and not really living a whole lot outside my house I didn't have school clothes. My first semester there I wore lots of sweats. Sweats that were lime green and orange sherbet...clothes should never be made of these colors. Thankfully, I kind of figured things out and the start of my Junior year I was a little more prepared. My mom has never been able to help me with clothes, make-up or dressing like a girl because she has had her own weight issues and I believe, didn't know how to help me.

Things brightened up for me in my Junior and Senior year. I gained a best friend which I still have today. Since I had been going to private schools my whole life I realized very quickly that I was better behaved and much more prepared for class work which helped to ease off any pressure that I had been feeling of not being able to keep up in school. I was able to meet friends and participate in extracurricular activities that I never could at my previous school such as swimming, field hockey, Powder Puff, and singing with the Madrigals choir. I worked at Little Caesar's Pizza those two years with my best friend and our boyfriends. It was a fun and easy time. I graduated high school and I probably weighed 180 lbs.

A Step Backwards

I took a step backwards last night. I had gotten home from work and had a fairly healthy supper and then BAM! I thought to myself, "wine would make my night so much better." So I went and instead of buying a normal sized bottle. You know the normal size that healthy people buy? No, I bought the next size up! PLUS Twizzlers licorice, chocolate covered raisins and a small Skinny Cow ice cream. I was pleased that I chose the small Skinny Cow instead of the Ben and Jerry's pint but STILL. And since most of what I ate yesterday was vegan, I was sloshed fairly quickly. I didn't drink the whole bottle but uggers, what was the point of buying such a big bottle? What, just in case I might want to drink 1.5 Liters? Geeza! Yep, my night consisted of inhaling sugar and reruns of the tv show, Drop Dead Diva on www.Hulu.com. How pathetic is that?

How I Came to Austin-

I have been in Austin for one year. I came because I was relocated to work here. I was really excited. It seemed like my grown up life was really beginning. I was moving to where I didn't know anyone so it seemed to be a perfect place for a fresh start. One of the reasons I moved besides work was because I love my family so much that I never really wanted to go out and meet people. I had some friends but I rarely dated. I realized that I needed to go and make my own family and in a new city it seemed so possible. Hopefully, that makes sense.

Austin is a terrific place to do that because everyone is from everywhere else so there is a fresh, newbie feel with a great energy in the city. Unfortunately, 3 months after working without so much as a bad word against me or my work ethic, they let me go. I went through lots of emotions of shame, humiliation, embarrassment and sadness. I definitely did not feel inspired to eat less and move move. I crawled into my apartment and rarely left.

I came up with the idea to volunteer at a dance studio and in return take dance lessons. I volunteered there for 4 months and then I became a paid employee. I felt really proud that they wanted me to work there and that they wanted to pay me for my time. My previous employers really did a doozy on my self esteem and what I felt my worth was.

Alone in the Dance Studio

I'm sitting in an empty dance studio. The walls that separate the studio are down because there is an event tonight so that means all the white lights are twinkling and the dance floor is a wide, open space. To me a dance studio is a magical place. Clean wooden floors that people can slide across the floor with mirrors to watch their perfect posture. I watch many people learn to dance from the newbies who get really nervous and you swear they're going to lose it to the professionals arching their necks as far as they can to elongate their bodies. Foxtrot, Rumba, Salsa to Argentine Tango classes and so many more. I love it! I love hearing the music even when it's just me alone in the studio. When I'm waiting for classes to begin I'll put on some Waltz or Foxtrot music and listen to the deep voices slowly pour out like honey. Sometimes when I'm walking through the different classrooms and I can hear music playing from another class, I'll dance in front of the mirror or spin really, really fast because I'm by myself and no one can see me.

I'm just the receptionist.

I love to dance but not now. Now with 100 lbs extra on my 5'6 frame I'm the one dancing only when no one is looking.